I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
