i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize