I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
