Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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