Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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