So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
