I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize