why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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