u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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