I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize