im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
