Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
