So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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