So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
