drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
