I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
