Sober January is a disaster.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
