I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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