u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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