I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
