Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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