Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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