Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
