toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
