I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
