Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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