I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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