Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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