thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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