My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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