Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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