I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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