I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize