well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
