Do you still have your period?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
she looked like the before picture.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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