It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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