My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
it's like heaven, but drunker
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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