hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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