i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
