I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize