I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
