Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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