I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
