So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
