That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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