fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
