I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
