I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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