you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
