Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
