First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
