So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize