also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
