im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
