I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
