you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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