someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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